(Editor’s Note: This was recorded close to a month ago now but in classic OnlyBands fashion, we’ve only just gotten around to releasing it.)
Tonight, Dakota and I are here for the West End Royal Rumble at The Bearded Lady, one of the few live punk venues still defying the odds in the current credit crunch. It’s got us all in the mood to fight to ensure it lives on for the ages! Headlining tonight are Wollongong garage punks HOON, fresh off the release of their album Australian Dream. The rest of the line-up tonight is filled by some old mates of ours (the rambunctious Milton Mango loving lads Dad Fight and the seven-piece punk ensemble Fat Dog and the Tits), as well as the ever-derisive Boofheads.
Mid-show, Dakota and I squeezed in a five quickfire questions with HOON members Daniel Breda (vocals) and James Andrews (bass) in the green room of The Bearded Lady, which trades the traditional green wall paint for (mostly) green grass because the venue used to be someone’s house.
1. If HOON had a signature wrestling move, what would it be called, and how would it be performed?
James: It would look like a Tombstone by The Undertaker, but instead of holding another man it would be a burrito, and the wrestling ring would be a toilet, and I’d just shit!
Daniel: For me it would be a Tac Yack, and you’d just fucking spew on the other cunt!
James: A Tombstone, holding the other guy upside down and vomiting down his arse crack would also be good.
Daniel: A combo of the two, a Tombstone Tac Yack! Yeah, let’s lock that in, we got that one.
2. Your latest album is called Australian Dream. Imagine if you had the ultimate dream Australian punk pock supergroup, consisting of any four musicians you chose, but each of them must be from a different band. Who would it consist of? Bonus points for a band name.
Daniel: Well first of all, it would be Chris from Private Function. Chris Penney that’s for sure.
James: Probably The Doctor (Lindsay McDougall from Frenzal Rhomb) playing guitar because he just fucking rips.
Daniel: The Doctor is pretty sick, who’d play bass?
James: Ah, me! Ah I dunno, it’s not restricted to just the band? Like (a sin) our instruments, we could have Macka from Cosmic Psychos play the harp yeah?
Daniel: Okay, so Chris Penney is actually the bass player now, and Natalie Bassingthwaite is the singer, from that band… Rogue Traders!
OB: And Neighbours!
Daniel: And Neighbours! Ha-ha-ha!
James: Whoever wrote the theme song from Neighbours can also join the band, and they can play triangle. And that’s the name of the band I reckon…Triangle!
OB: So, in summary, Chris on bass, The Doctor on guitar, Natalie Bassingthwaighte on vocals, Macka on harp, and the Neighbours theme song guy on the triangle, all in the band Triangle! Coming on tour this year!
3. If you had a cologne named after your song Smell of Success, what would the scent be? And who would you choose to model for the advertising campaign?
Daniel: Sorry dude did you say koala?
OB: No, a cologne.
James: A cologne, a stinky or de-stinky ha-ha! I think it would smell like, stale cigarettes. It would smell fucking… disgusting ha-ha-ha.
Daniel: Who would model it? Probably Kyle (Gordan) (drums), because he smokes so many ciggies. He is also the most likely to be a model, he has that Fabio chiselled shit going on… Actually Orion (guitar), he has that indie chic shit that is popular in modelling, so who knows. But the scent is Odour De Toilet.
OB: Eu De Toilette, Odour Toilet.
Daniel: Le Shat, shit en baguette!
James: Have you been practicing French?
(The conversation diverged to some comical attempts at French gutter talk for a while. Comedic? Yes. Print worthy? Hmmmm, no!)
4. The ARIAS called, they are setting up a cocktail bar, and want to create a HOON cocktail for the occasion. They desperately want you to provide the recipe for this, so what is in it?
James: Ah I have a serious answer for that one…
Daniel: (Singing) “Party on Jamesy, party all the time…”
James: I’m kind giving a secret recipe away here but…. Chilli, mint, lemon….
Daniel: Oh!
James: What are the other two?
OB: Cigarette butts?
Daniel: Nah, it’s green. Oi Kyle what’s in a Shady Lady?
(Kyle swaggers over with a confident model strut)
Kyle: If you think I would give that recipe on record mate, you’re out of here!
Daniel: Ha! We played in Bendigo, and they had this chaser for a tequila, called a Shady Lady. They told us this killer recipe, and..
James: Ah, I can’t fucking remember the recipe.
Daniel: And Kyle won’t tell us, but that’s it it’s a Shady Lady.
James: So, you have a tequila shot, with this as the chaser, and it makes you immediately forget you’ve just had a tequila.
Daniel: It’s a tequila neutraliser and it’s fucking awesome. If you want to try it you have to go to The Eastern in Ballarat.
James: Total life hack
OB: I asked The Sex Guys a similar question, and they said their cocktail would have a lot of hair in it.
Daniel: Well so would a Shady Lady!
5. Imagine your worst enemy has stolen your most prized possession, who would you choose as your Partner in Crime to help you steal it back?
Daniel: Anyone from HOON, I’m looking at him (looking at James)
James: We are pretty conniving cunts, so I reckon we’d get it done.
OB: What would the article be?
Daniel: Well Orion isn’t out here, is he? He is nowhere to be seen? We just bought a brand-new guitar for Orion, for the upcoming tour to Europe and he doesn’t know about it yet. And it’s going to be really exciting to see him unwrap it. We’ve left this really sweet note on his bed that says “Red goes faster in Europe.”
OB: So, when does he get this? As I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
(This gives me an actual excuse to delay writing the article now!)
Daniel: When we go home after this tour.
OB: Nice, thanks for sharing that moment with us and the readers
James: Oh, it’s a real horny guitar too, I can’t wait. It’s this gorgeous ’97 Jaguar, sparkly red, he is going to lose his shit when he sees it. So, if someone stole that! Me and all the boys would just… oooft!
Daniel: We stole it! We got it for a very good price. Our mate from the South Coast his name is Chris Jansch he played in a band called Hollow Gods and he is just a fucking legend. He sold it to us, and now we have a little bit of Chris with us which is awesome.
James: Yeah, an absolute legend, at a HOON price, and it will continue to rock, it will be very good.
OB: Oh man, that is so nice. What a great story to share with OnlyBands. That’s it, looking forwards to the set. Thank you so much.
Daniel and James: Yeah! Woo! Pleasure man, any time.
Thanks to Dakota (@stricly.sentimental) for capturing all the chaos of this interview, it was definitely hard work!
HOON are currently tearing their way across Europe, if you wanna help them live the Australian Dream once they get home, you can listen to the album below and buy all their merch here.